April 2010 Archives

You read the 40 plus dating profiles. A few men and women say something like, “…and don’t bring your baggage with you…”. What does this mean? And why should you care?

40 plus datingA few years ago there was a Tom Hanks Meg Ryan movie Joe Vs. The Volcano. The story line pictures two people, actually three in the case of Meg Ryan since she played three different roles, who have,been dealt less than ideal hands. Joe Banks, the Hanks character lugged a beautiful multi-piece set of custom made luggage of the largest size imaginable.

You will have to watch this great movie more than once to get all of the life lessons, but the last line in the movie after their marriage was “ I’ll tell you one thing though wherever we go whatever we do we’ll take this luggage(baggage) with us.

“Bringing your baggage with you” means that whatever you do or wherever you go, your past emotional hang ups and the feelings about your parents, siblings, past loves, past spouse,s successes and failures travel with you. The 40 plus dating group have done a good bit of living and thus may be lugging a lot of baggage. With some of us if there was a bad divorce or rotten break-up, we can’t get past it.

This Stuff  Can Impede The 40 plus dating adventure

About five minutes after meeting someone, these past, perceived or real, disasters damaging experiences must be shared. They will hear a laundry list of complaints against the ex; the emotion, the anger, or the outrage cannot be kept out of the new conversation. This person who had nothing to do with our past and has just sat down to have a cup of coffee, is now a forced witness to our life’s biggest traumas. And, they have only known us for 20 minutes.
Sometimes, unlike Joe Banks in the movie the baggage doesn’t show up immediately. However, it does surfaces at some point, and it kills whatever joy might have been coming. It is totally understandable- these were awful experiences to have, and they are difficult to get over.

The impulse is to get them off your heart and out of your mind to the first person willing to listen. But you know what? These war stories can wait until you get to know someone well enough that they want to know all your ins and outs.

Bad memories need to be put into proper historical perspective, rather than kept in the present. Wounds do take time to heal, and neuroses have to be conquered. Otherwise, the new acquaintance feels they are taking on someone’s headaches and problems they had nothing to do with.

Emotional bomb shells need not be thrown immediately. They are a big turnoff stopping 40 plus dating cold.

What does this have to do with you? Probably nothing. But, if do you recognize yourself as a person who carries their baggage on their ”shoulders’,it is a good time to commit to quit doing it. You can transform and reinvent yourself if you choose to.

You can nurse your old hurts and emotional scars in private, put on a good face and work on recovering from past emotional storms. You can show someone that you believe you are ready to be alone with them, instead of bringing along ghosts from the past.

If you are planning or are now participating in the 40 plus dating scene;
Shed that baggage! Make a space that is uncluttered and ready for a new love. Then you can embrace a brand new relationship!

We can use that past baggage for good in our lives like Joe and Patricia or we can let it drag us down.

I love this little exchange from the movie:

Joe: I’ve done a lot of soul searching lately. I’ve been asking myself some tough questions. You know what I’ve found out?

Patricia: What?

Joe: I have no interest in myself. I think about myself, I get bored out of my mind.


Try 40 plus dating for yourself

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